I am here again, emerging from the darkness. I mean, darkness for you, stranger on Medium, bot, the weird people from work who digitally stalk me. I have not been buried or missing; I have been very much alive, painfully, deliriously alive, doing the domestic, mundane, and sometimes heartbreaking dance, swaying from room to room, houses to hospitals, hospitals to homes, homes to concrete cold buildings, and then back.
It has all been dizzying and boring; sometimes, it has been a little too sticky with sadness. Sadness. Depression. Melancholy. State of being? I am not sure what to call it, but sometimes it feels like cookie crumbs on your bed when you are “going to sleep” for the millionth time between 10 PM and 3 AM, and the grains are small, so they poke the sides of your arms, making you hyper-aware that the cool sheets have now acclimatized to your body temperature, and the fog on everything looms heavy and wet in your eyelids. Yeah, that’s what it felt like (feels like?).
In the middle of it all, there was a burst of sunshine, no, a human equivalent of some beautiful cosmic structure in the universe that cannot be as limiting as a dying ball of gas and fire, walked in and sat in front of me. This being is furious at the world, and I get it; when something is brilliant, mediocrity can incite rage, but this wondrous source of joy is also gentle with my heart. So then I decided, I will live.
